If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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