and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
