I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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