I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize