I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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