I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
