You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
