sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
