I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
