I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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