Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
