true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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