I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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