Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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