I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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