It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
