wrigley field is MILF paradise
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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