just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
