I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize