Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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