toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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