I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think my fart just growled at me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
