Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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