I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
