I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
