So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
