I'm really into asian looking animals
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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