I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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