Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
