I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
