my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
