I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
