I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
