Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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