If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
