I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize