wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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