he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
bring money and cleavage
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
