stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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