remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize