she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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