My girlfriend figured out who you are.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Girls should come with a carfax report
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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