What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
what day is it and did you see me today?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
