She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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