please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
