so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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