Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I could fuck to npr.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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