We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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