My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
