I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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