did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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