I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
