I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
