I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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