One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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