I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
