Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
