the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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