So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
50% drunk capacity currently
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
