i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize