I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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